You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
