I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
