She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
