well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
