Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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