I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Less talking, more tequila
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
