Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
