Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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