paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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