Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
