Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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