Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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