I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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