then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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