You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
