I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
