I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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