You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
