tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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