How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
