if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
