No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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