I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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