I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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