my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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