apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
