So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
