they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
