ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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