My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
