I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
