NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
