Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just had sex bonerless
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
