Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
