My first STD was from a foam party
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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