I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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