i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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