just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
