At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
