paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
