fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
