woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
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I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
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Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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