when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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