Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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