we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
don't judge my taste in strippers
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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