Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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