that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
