Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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