Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
