JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
