so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
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he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
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Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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