the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
