found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
