i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
