Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
