My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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