i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
