i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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