I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
