There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
